Hello everyone! First of all, I wanted to wish you all a very happy and healthy 2020! Not only is this the start of a new year, it is the start of a whole new decade. For those who have been following me the last year(s), you know that 2019 and the years before that haven’t been very kind to me. So this new decade feels like I can put everything behind me and start off with a clean slate. For this post, I wanted to update you about everything that happened after my previous update 6 months ago and what my plans are for the future.
I’m not going to lie, this is very difficult to write because I’m going to revisit some points in my life that I don’t ever want to think back on, but I feel like I owe you guys an update. The last half year has been very hard and full of ups and downs. After the breakup and a complete breakdown, I’ve been trying to keep myself busy without overstimulating myself. I’m an introvert so communicating with other people takes a lot of energy for me, but it was something that I needed during this time. I did have to let a lot of things go, such as keeping up with Blog posts and Instagram on a scheduled basis. I just focused on trying to survive every single day.
Starting with anti-depressants
Since things became so severe emotionally, me, my doctor and psychologist have decided to start looking into anti-depressants. It is something I’ve been avoiding as much as possible, because I heard many stories and seen how much of an impact that stuff can have on a person. However, after trying to heal emotionally for so long and still not getting out of rock bottom, I had to try it as my last option. I’m currently using Citalopram, an antidepressant that my doctor had the most experience with showing positive results with minimal side-effects.
The first few weeks on these antidepressants were really hard on my body. On average, first two weeks are the hardest with the most side-effects, long-term positive effects will show starting from an average of 6 weeks. A very scary thing about the side-effects of anti-depressants is that the negative emotions can become even worse at first, like suicidal tendencies etc. To prepare myself for this possibility, I made sure I had appointments every day with people and had enough distractions to do in house.
Thankfully, I did not have that side effect but there were many others. I was sweating like an otter, became restless and felt really slow, like I wasn’t inside my own body and everything happened with a lag. I couldn’t keep up with conversations with multiple people and just wasn’t able to focus at all. I couldn’t even write a sentence so writing reviews were out of the question. I was constantly trying several sleeping medications that did not work but fortunately, the side-effects decreased over time. The only positive thing was that I lost a lot of weight during this period.
Being on anti-depressants was strange emotionally at the beginning. I’m a sensitive person so I cry when I’m sad, angry and nervous. I was used to crying almost every day. It was always frustrating because I can think very rationally but I act and do the exact opposite emotionally. At first, I didn’t feel anything anymore. I didn’t feel happy or sad. I stopped being able to cry. I still had a feeling of bursting out into tears and had an unnerving feeling in the background, but it didn’t want to come out. It finally did after a few weeks and I felt really uncomfortable. We then increased the dosis of the anti=depressants. The side-effects weren’t that harsh this time and I feel like I’ve stabilized.
Nowadays, I am able to feel but it’s not as high or low. I’m able to think much more rationally without my emotions getting in the way. I’m able to talk about things and have conversations without completely breaking down. To me, the anti-depressants feels like freedom. Freedom from all the pain and misery I have been feeling emotionally for so long. I experience things differently in life now, it’s maybe not the best way but I don’t mind it for now. I feel much more stable and calm this way and I’m pretty much scared to ever go back the way I was before. It helps me to go through life more peacefully than before.
Struggles and big changes
Being more emotionally stable also helped me with the transition of ending my career as an Associate Scientist. I was already on sick leave for almost two years and the UWV, an institute of health insurance in The Netherlands determined I was 100% not able to work anymore, so I’m now getting government aid to keep the roof over my head. My manager and colleagues were great to me during this period, so I could end things at my job accepting that this is not realistic to continue and I had to find something that works with my auto-immune diseases (more about that here). Saying goodbye is never fun and I will miss my colleagues dearly, but I know that this is the best for my health and sanity.
There are things I still struggle with, especially my sleeping pattern. I’m a night person so if I wasn’t on sleeping medication, I would sleep around 5-6 AM and wake up in the afternoon. The dark and cold Winter season also doesn’t help so I’m currently struggling with not isolating myself completely. I became so isolated that I neglected everything, from not taking/requesting medication to neglecting my hygiene. I just wanted to disappear. It’s not as severe as it was but it’s something I need to be careful of. For example. I’m now writing this at 2:30 AM, going to sleep in an hour, wake up at 10 AM, do something for an hour and go back to sleep until 5 PM. I basically sleep a minimum of 12-16 hours every day.
I don’t struggle with the thought of losing my ex anymore. Would I take him back? Absolutely because I’m extremely dumb emotionally knowing that it will never work but he will always be attractive to me. At first, I felt extremely lonely not having someone to talk to in the house. I was looking at dating sites, talking to men with one who could have potential, but I just wasn’t ready. I still sometimes find it difficult to think that he already has someone new, and that his family who I saw as my own NEVER even asked me how I was doing once. I felt, and still feel completely betrayed by them. His mother was always lurking in my Insta Stories but never once reached out to me personally, knowing I was suicidal. It hurts that people can just pretend you don’t exist from one day to the other after MORE THAN A DECADE while all you ever did was caring. It has severely broken my trust and how I view people. So basically, I don’t miss him at all but the way I was treated and how I was betrayed I will never forget.
From everything that happened, losing my cat Atilla is still the most difficult thing to go through. I view my cats as my children so losing one in such an unfair way is extremely painful to me. I’m not allowed to see him while my ex can ALWAYS come visit to see Sunny and Korra, but he doesn’t seem to need it. I think of Atilla and miss him every day. After some time, I felt ready to get another cat. Not to replace Atilla, but because I wanted something new for myself, something that’s mine in this new chapter and that’s when little Pinda (Dutch word for Peanut) came into my life. He was a very scared kitten at first so I had to put all my energy towards him. Now, he’s just the most sweetest and most cuddly kitten in the world. My other cats love him and he never leaves my side.
Picking myself up and future plans
After some time had passed, I realized that I LOVE to be single. I’ve always been a loner so not having to think of a partner is also freeing to me. I can do whatever I want, eat whatever I want, sleep whenever I want. I don’t even want a new relationship now. I feel it’s much more healthy for me to be alone for a while and focus on my own future. The only relationship I want is with myself, my cats and my friends. What I’ve learned from all this is that I basically lose myself entirely if I love a person, ignoring every need that I have to please another. I didn’t even know how I had to feel or take care of myself anymore, because I never did. From the start, I had to take care of my parents and my brother. After that, I immediately moved together with my boyfriend to take care of us, so I never had the ability to really look at take care of me.
I’m 30 years old and I finally am listening to my own needs and wishes for the first time in my life. I’m slowly setting goals for myself, like picking my blog back up and changing up my home. Everything I have in my house was painted and purchased when we were together. I’m currently very busy with painting my walls and changing up the furniture in my living room to make it my own and I’m loving it.
I’ve also done a lot of research on how to create a Twitch Channel, a platform that streams people playing videogames live. To be able to make a living playing videogames has been a long-life dream of mine, so working towards becoming a Twitch streamer is something that has kept me busy for the last few weeks. I’ve received a monetary compensation from my previous job, which I’m using to invest in new hardware. This would also be the perfect job combined with my auto-immune diseases because I can make my own hours and work from home. I’m hoping to start my very first stream this month!
Continuing to grow my Blog and Instagram is also very important to me, so together with becoming a Twitch streamer, these are my goals for the coming year. I really am scared but also excited to start this new decade in my life. I know I’m a very determined person when it comes to reaching my goals so I’m sure that the future will be awesome. It might take some time, but I will get there.
Again, this growth would not have been possible with all the support I’ve gotten from family and friends. The situation that I’m in brought me so much closer to many different people. People who actually deserve my love and attention, believe in my and always have my back. I will never, ever go back to losing myself for someone who doesn’t deserve me.
I also want to thank you, those who have followed me and read my story. Those who are so patient, send sweet messages without any reaction in return and still follow me to this day. I’m sorry for being so inconsistent when it comes to being a blogger/influencer/whatever this is called nowadays, but I am going to try to pick up and post more regularly. It still will take time so I hope you are able to stick by me. Even though I don’t respond, I cherish every single message you sent me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I’m still have a long road to go to find true happiness, but I have the support of all of you to get me there someday. I’m sure of that.